My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
