i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
