I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
