32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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