Cold hands, warm shart.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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