Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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