Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
