I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
