I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
