K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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