Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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