You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
are you so shy because you have an std?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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