You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
