Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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