Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
