we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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