are you still at the devil's house?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
