No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
