literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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