A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
And then he peed in my hair
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