oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
