i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
