I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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