Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
