Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
