This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
