Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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