Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
