He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The uberlube is also flammable
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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