I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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