and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
