When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
