I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
