were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
