my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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