Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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