What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
