don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
