I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
