bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
