There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
