I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Cover your peen. We're going out.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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