did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
