go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
