Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
