OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bring me that man meat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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