You can't special order awesome
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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