What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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