I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
