I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
