we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
